Read all about it

The online diary of an ethical pervert.

Tuesday, 21 June 2011

Morning coffee contemplations

This is a now familiar routine. I am taking breakfast alone following a night of kink with Mr Smith who after some pouting and bemoaning his status as a wage-slave rather than the better kind, got up, dressed in a slightly crumpled shirt (that makes me smile), suit and tie then left the house. I masturbated then fell asleep for another couple of hours.

When I woke up, for the second time the bed and house is empty, the warm flesh that was by my side is gone. It's just me. I wander downstairs, make coffee, slice fruit and sit in the sunshine, still naked and smelling of sex to spend some time by myself, thinking.

Time by myself is a luxury and I revel in luxuries, trying to enjoy as many of them as I can. I'm having a moment of that sleepy headed sense of personal satisfaction. What is the point of the world if you cannot indulge your vices and make yourself happy? I have, over the years, had my share of sad times, but they have taught me to push hard, and "push" is the right word, with all thanks going to Majeste for what she has taught me in pressing for resolution and clarity.

The more you push, the more you realise you can push - dominance is always pressing at the edges of what is possible, after all. But there's more than that, the more I make clear what I want, the more I refuse anything other than absolutely precisely what I require from my kink, my life, the better it gets, overall. Yes, there will be some things that I will lose, but that is the acceptable risk. I have always been an all or nothing kind of person and spent many years upset and frustrated by the second-best or half-hearted options of things that were almost good enough.

I'm done with that. I've been done with that for a while and I have no intention of going back. Things worth having do not come naturally or easily, they require work, input, thought and effort. Which makes them all the more satisfying when they finally come right.

BDSM takes time - I probably spend about a third (if not more) of my waking hours doing something kinky, whether it's actual play sessions, planning, emails, blogging or "just" thinking about it. That in and of itself is hardly a chore, after all, I love what I do, the harder parts come when other people are involved: you cannot shy away from difficult conversations. The longer you wait, the harder it will get to have them and the less useful they will be.

I spent the weekend having two very different conversations with wives and husbands. In each instance I was presenting what I wanted. The first, with Fenrir, was the briefest and most amusing agreement ever reached, everything is fine as long as we don't hospitalise each other. The second, with Mr Smith and his wife was much harder. I needed to explain my D/s and help her understand what I needed from him. I laid out very clearly what I required in terms of time and commitment, as well as total exclusivity within the time that I had with him, with no interverntion from her barring absolute emergencies. That led on to an interesting discussion of what actually constituted an "emergency", which then went on to a wider conversation around our very different approaches to time management and work versus personal and social lives.

I think she was thrown by the realisation that I was not prepared to compromise. I had no intention of asking them to change their relationship - other people's marriages are not my area of interest - but if I couldn't get precisely what I wanted, I was ready to walk away. With some sadness, of course, but nowhere near as much as the frustration and sadness of constantly attempting to dominate someone from a position of anything other than absolute control.

I am not idle or passive with my kink, I spend a lot of energy "making things right", and not just as a dominant within the context of a scene. Over the past year or so I have ordered myself and my world to the point where I can have multiple partners - something I never thought I'd be able to do again after The Photographer, I'm even getting to the point where I can start to care deeply for those people rather than always feeling there is a part of my heart as yet unready. As well as time, D/s takes real, serious emotion. For me, that is the defining line between topping/bottoming and dominance/submission - the latter is an emotional relationship that goes beyond friendship or lovers.

I now know that my D/s is love, for me. And, like love, it runs deep. It's part of who I am, I'm more certain of that than ever before. I'm also keenly aware that the more you do it, the deeper it gets. I've been pretty far gone once, and I am both inspired and overjoyed to find that there is depth and passion on the dominant side as well.
I have no idea how deep it goes, but I'm looking forward to the journey.

No comments: