The first time

One of life's privileges, to give someone an experience that they have never had before, to turn the key in a lock and show them rooms within themselves that they only imagined, or hoped for. We are sometimes critical of newbies to the scene, forgetting that we were once new ourselves. I was very lucky in the people I met when I first arrived, they took me under their wing, introduced me to many wonderful experiences and were never patronising, never took advantage.

That's part of the reason why I enjoy playing with new people. But I'm not a natural altruist. I also like it because of the power trip, the knowledge that no matter what else I will always be the first. The one who did that. I'm also selfish - I select partners, regardless of their experience on the scene, based on attractiveness, intelligence and sexual outlook. The last part is important. And often it has nothing to do with experience, it's about a shared feel for BDSM which some people, no matter how many times they swing a flogger, will never have - not all kinksters are compatible with all other kinksters, regardless of perversions in common.

What this also means is that it takes more than a coffee and a chat to work out whether someone is a good match. I can certainly tell whether I find someone smart and hot once I've got them close enough to smell their pheromones, but matching up play styles is a practical problem. Or rather, an opportunity.

We set a date. Dinner then play. I do my homework, we exchange emails and I prepare a scene or five in my head that incorporate some of his desires and fantasies that interest me. The toys in my bag are a whistle stop tour of the kinds of kinks I think he might like. Tip of the iceberg. Taster platter. Rope, cuffs, ball gag, pinwheel, small dildo, little flogger, lube.

The "dinner" part of the evening is important, because it allows him to relax, normalising and contextualising the evening into something familiar. I want him to feel a certain kind of predatory seduction, and to be just on the edge of his comfort zone: familiar settings but with a twist. There is a balance to be struck. I make an impact in a form fitting cocktail dress and heels, the sort of thing I rarely wear and it throws him off-guard. Everything in the setting looks like a "normal" date: a boy, a girl, dinner, drinks. But certain things are decided - we will go back to his house, there will be sex (of sorts). This knowledge is a double edged sword for him, the certainty is a cause of anxiety. Other things are decided and he does not know about them, these also create nervousness. The veil of a dinner date helps calm these nerves somewhat, but not entirely dispel them.

When I get him back I make him strip slowly, in his front room. I play on his desire for service, putting him in kneeling positions, on all fours, inspecting his body, moving my hands slowly over it and testing for the delicate points that make him quiver or moan. His flesh and scent is new to me, uncharted territory, virgin snow for my explorations. I'm watching him intently for the little poker tells that let me know whether I've hit the spot. Biting lips, curling fingers, gasps, flushes of skin. Some things play according to plan, the ease and desire for submission, readiness to follow commands. Others are unexpected, pleasingly so - he responds well to pain, enunciating "ow" which makes me smile.

I prefer playing in non-bedroom spaces. The oddness of it, slight surreal nature and the humiliation too - here, amidst all of your things, I make you mine for a few hours. Bedrooms make it more intimate, private and safe. The bed is the "usual" place for sex, so I like to avoid them as much as I can. Especially other people's beds that smell of them and their sleep - too much animal comfort, too much natural anticipation of soft, warm pleasure.

The move to the bedroom is an interesting difference in our dynamics. For me, it signals the end of the night, I'm tired, done and ready to sleep. Playing with new people is more tiring than existing partners because you have to be more wary, more thoughtful - especially if they are new to BDSM and cannot give indicators in advance of things they like and don't like and how they might respond. As well as the physical aspect there is a lot of intellectual energy that goes into creating a scene, especially when you are attempting to make it look entirely natural and fluid.

For him, the move to be bedroom increased his desire and he became more energetic - he's used to fucking in bed, so the bed makes him think of fucking. Consequently, he doesn't sleep all night. Which is fine by me because it means he's awake and ready to give me head in the morning. Then make the coffee.