The words that make you mine

"Tell me what I am, again."

And I do.

It's the words that get him, every time. I swear that with a little more practise, a little more conditioning I could make Ganymede come by lulling him with a litany of filth. Another way that we connect, another way he operates as my mirror. He needs to hear me put him in his place, contextualise him (textualise him) frame those feelings he is experiencing in terms of what he is to me, make that building desire flood out through a stream of consciousness fantasy that is also a reflection of our reality. I talk him to orgasm.


Words bind us. Words define us. They make, take and describe us: literally make copies of ourselves in language. The words we use become our double. And the double up the impact of any sensation we as dominants might wish to create. After all, training is a learning experience and one always follows up the action with the linguistic lesson, you never just tell, you never just do. You show. So as well as what I'm doing, and I'm doing a lot as you may have guessed from the sparse amounts of blogging recently, I'm also putting a lot of work into words. 

We have contractual words. The words that make up our agreement to each other. And words for each other. There are rules for frequency and types of words - I require an email every Monday with what he is up to. There are forbidden words such as Mistress. There are even new words that slip out of our minds and into our tongues and out into the world. Words that neither of us has used in that way for anyone else before. Queen. Feed. Hello. Yes. Words that without context are silly or strange or even - dare I say it? - normal. But to us, for us, they become special. The tone and placement of these words makes them magic, language that is transformative, that flips the switch and says "this place now is a different place". Like putting a collar around his neck, I can do the same with words.  

There's method in my madness. I assure you. But madness in the method. After all, what sane person would want such a thing? What sane person would want me to do such a thing? Yet, he wants it, I want it, we want it. To turn a real, unique and wonderful human being into a toy, a pet, a sexualised automated slave. What I am doing is deep and complicated and a not-very-nice-thing. I'm programming. I'm indoctrinating (again, with the words, to fill with learning). I'm conditioning. And I'm hanging on to the fact that he has consented, that he has offered, that he wants me to do this to him as evidence that I am not entirely cruel or monstrous. 

Partly. Perhaps.

I've yet to really experience that cloud of "dominant guilt" and maybe that's a black mark on my character or maybe my own adventures as a submissive have made me more accepting of suffering in others because I know how much I liked it, needed it, wanted it. There is also another context. What I am doing, although unique to us, is not exactly unique.

Everyone trains everyone else. They just don't always call it that.

The world is full, if you choose to look, and I've looked (oh I've looked!) of all kinds of linguistic experience like this. Training through words, through a re-telling. Of times and places where people have agreed to be reshaped, to be remade. In many instances they have paid for the privilege: think of therapies such as CBT or NLP, or of self-help courses run around retraining your self-image. All kinds of experiences are, in fact, a narrative, with different terminology used to distinguish roles, carve out the insiders from the outsiders, create new ways of looking at the world by renaming. Groups are narratives. Relationships are narratives. A BDSM relationship is a narrative. The distinction is in the kind of story you are telling.

Over coffee with Majeste this weekend she referred to me as Cinderella, in my fairy-tale search for the right one. The collar fitted, I suppose, in the end. But the moment where the metal snaps shut, or the glass slipper slides onto the bare, delicate foot (something I've always found a little chilling, in more ways than one) is exactly the opposite of a Happy Ending. We are at the beginning, and the story has only just started.

In many ways I feel as if this is marking a new phase in my writing. Not only am I writing very much from the top, and with someone who is committed to a long term D/s relationship, but the type of relationship, and the types of experiences we are having are a lot more normalised. Rather than dates or affairs or hotel assignations (wonderful and hedonistic as they were) I have a partner. Not just for an hour or two, or when they have time, or in between other partners. The same has also been true of me, I've been casual with people when perhaps they wanted more. Been less-than when they wanted more. Things have been too hot, too cold and not quite right. Slippers have not fitted.

Instead I have Ganymede. I have a life, or a potential life. One where someone is always my slave. I have a boy who wants me to dominate his thoughts, to own him mind, body and soul. Sometimes the scale of it takes my breath away, because it is epic. I off-handedly referred to D/s as "like love, but harder" to a vanilla friend of mine only later realising that I truly meant it as such. 

Most of this is a very long-winded way of saying that what I'm doing right now is very big, and in many ways very new. Just as Ganymede is new to BDSM I am also new to him, and to the scale of what we are doing to each other, with each other. There's a lot of NRE floating around as well as that crazy, not-real sensation that good, hard D/s does to you anyway. So I'm likely to be updating less frequently. But it's worth it. Trust me.      

Better bondage bunny-ing

One of the reasons I help run Peer Rope London (apart from the fact that I don't do nearly enough rope and require more riggers in my life) is that I wanted to encourage more people to take an active interest in the "being tied up" side of things so as well as meeting and greeting on the doors I'm also a sort of Bunny Mummy. I did a talk - with some other ropey people - on how to be tied up. I'm fairly passionate about this, because I think it's something that is often undersold or misrepresented.The talk went down really well and I got a lot of comments afterwards so thought it might be worthwhile writing up the things we said and discussed before they fall out of my brain.

Before you engage with any kinky activity you should have a good idea of your physical and emotional state, rope is no different. Physical first: run down a checklist of your body. How does it feel, are you generally in good health, do you have any injuries or illnesses that might be affected by being tied up? Have you had anything to eat or drink, especially any alcohol or drugs? Some people are happy playing whilst high or after a quick gin, but its probably not a good idea to do it whilst wasted.

Doing some basic stretching is a really good idea - this will also help you do a spot check on your body, whether you have any aches, pains or strains. Other things to consider include known ways in which your body reacts, for example my fingers are often cold. Someone who has never tied me up before might assume that indicated a problem, when in fact I just have crappy circulation. Next, think a bit about you - how do you feel today: are you happy or a bit down? Are there psychological factors that might come into play during a rope session, such as claustrophobia, nausea or do you have any triggers about being touched or played with in a certain way.

Once you've sorted yourself out, then you need to locate a rigger. They come in all shapes, sexes and sizes, perhaps you have already brought one with you who you know well, or you might be on the prowl for one in a club. Once you've found one you need to talk with them before they tie you up and tell them the things discussed in the paragraph above. It might also be good to let them know if you've been tied up before, and if so, what kind of ties and how it felt. Once you feel like you are both on the same page about where you want to go with rope then there can be actual tying.

Then check out the place you are going to be tied with your rigger. Maybe hold their hand if you like. Remember that you are as responsible for your safety as much as the rigger. Before you are tied up make sure that the area is safe, that the rig is secure if you're being tied to something. Check that there's no objects you might fall onto - glass for example. Think about what you are wearing - is it comfortable, do you have free movement? I like being tied naked, with heels to pivot around on. Other people might not. Remember to take off your jewellery or precious things that might fall out of your pockets. Perhaps give them to the rigger to look after - if you don't trust them to hold your stuff, you probably shouldn't let them tie you up.

There's also a point worth making about sexual consent - agreeing to be tied up does not mean you've automatically agreed to strip naked, be groped, or spanked or played with. You might want these things - and if you do then speak up and I'm sure people will be more than happy to oblige, but if you really don't then say so. Riggers are not psychic and what one person thinks is a light casual spanking is possibly out of bounds for someone else.

There is a bit of a myth (more on rope myths later) that rope bunnies should be nice, quiet compliant things like ragdolls in riggers arms. This is bunk. You can be like that if you want - and sometimes it's very nice to let go and be an absent submissive, but there's no law against speaking up. If there's a problem remember that your rigger is still not psychic. You need to say how the rope feels, especially if there is a problem for instance if it's pinching too tight or there's too much pressure (sometimes pain or constriction is good - but it might be unintentional). Feedback is really important. Finally, you should feel confident in approaching riggers, rather than waiting like a wallflower to be asked to dance.

I was talking about rope tying speed with someone on my Twitter and we discussed rope as a dance, which is a great metaphor. In a lot of ballroom or similar danceforms one person is the lead (the rope top) but both are dancing and both are responsible for what goes on and how good it looks and feels. As a bunny, you are part of what is happening - and that means that you get to input into it. There are different styles of bunny-ing. Some people like to struggle, others want to relax into the ropes. You might find that you react differently to different riggers, or on different days of the week. That's fine. Rope is a participatory activity, you are a partner in this. Like dance, the more you do it with one particular person the more you will come to know the way they move and you will get better together.

Finally, whilst we're at it I'm going to do some more myth busting.

Suspension / Shibari is the Gold Standard of rope. No. They are nice and I really like both of them but whatever rope you like is the right sort for you. It's not a competition to be "the best" at rope, it's about enjoying yourself.

You are too fat / tall / big / western to be suspended. Lies. Lies. Lies and lazy riggers or riggers who only want to suspend that tiny pretty Japanese girl over there in the vain hope that she will fuck them (she won't). Anyone can be suspended. You just need more rope. Size doesn't come into it, neither of the bunny nor the rigger. The awesome Ms Tytania can lift a rhino using the power of her rope and cunning use of pulleys.

If you tie on a nerve / if your fingers go cold your arms will drop off and you will die. We had a physio in the group and did quiz him on this and he assured us all that actually it's pretty damn hard to cause a serious injury by just tying on a nerve. It might hurt and you might have a sore or numb arm for a bit, but you should be fine. This isn't an excuse to not speak up if the rope is uncomfortable, however there is no need to panic.

If you are suspended upside down for longer than five minutes your head will drop off you will have a heart attack and die. I have no idea where this came from. Naturally there is an inherent risk in everything that we do, like crossing the road. You can be upside down for longer than this, different people will react in different ways. Your general well being, or even how much you have had for dinner, will affect this. Communicate to your rigger and let them know if you are starting to feel uncomfortable. Go by you and how you feel, not the time on a watch.

Happy bunny-ing!