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The online diary of an ethical pervert.
As mentioned previously, one of my ongoing experiments is to move from the safe, secure world of submission and into the more precarious waters of domination. My reason for doing is fairly straightforward - I have fantasies of domination, I've enjoyed the forays I've had thus far and I have a partner who is a switch and more than happy to provide me with a supportive environment to explore a different kind of give-and-take.
I've been working through what I've liked and what I haven't about my experiences of topping. First, is my hesitance to use the word "domme" with respect to myself. Some of this is that I don't feel as if I deserve the word, not yet, I don't feel entirely comfortable with delivering pain, giving commands and there's a general uneasiness about it, every now and then. As if I'm not solid enough in my persona, I get a lot of hesitation, a lot of "what do I do next?" Physically, I'm reasonably confident - I know the kit, I know what it feels like can tie someone up, mummify them, gag them. Essentially I'm worried about what happens if the other person says "no" or resists. Additionally, I'm not precisely certain that the type and style of activity I've been doing thus far is exactly right for me.
I feel a little as if, in my interactions with The Photographer, I've been bottoming from the top. Our play has focused on me delivering sensations which I know he really enjoys, and he has been a passive, purring receiver. This isn't to say I haven't had fun, but the central point has been his experience and his pleasure. I'd like to try something different, and to generate the style of play that panders to me.
When I'm topping, I want to feel desired, magnificent, powerful, to have someone desperate to please me, touch me and to actively want to satisfy me. Being wanted is a powerful drive for me when I'm submitting, and the same seems to be true of topping. Perhaps the two sides are not so divergent after all - for both I want to be the centre of attention, to be stimulated and to be "perfect". But there are, of course, differences. I want to be in control, to orchestrate and to manage someone else, to have their desire contingent on my wishes: chastity play, pet play, objectification humiliation and service are all things which appeal to me.
There's a lot more I want to learn, particularly with regards to male anatomy and impact play, which I haven't done a lot of. One of the things I'm looking for is a handy mentor who would be willing to spend the odd afternoon helping me inflict terrible, wonderful things on The Photographer. Things are often more fun with friends, after all.
There have been a number of low level incidents of internet chat recently, which prompted me to think about how people chose to express their desires textually. Good writing, as any author will tell you, is quite difficult. Good writing about oneself could perhaps be even harder, as there isn't normally the luxury of pinning it on an imagined character in order to explain any foibles or fumbles. When we talk about our wants and needs in a BDSM context we are in many cases trying to do both. If we want to find a compatible person (or people) who can satisfy our desires we must be clear and honest, so there is no room for confusion. But there is also an element of role, of presentation, of making ourselves into that sexualised, fetishised personality. We talk of D/s in terms of play and games - so it is only natural that when it comes to writing about ourselves we do a little linguistic dressing up. We want our kinky side to be appealing, and given the nature of the sort of sex we enjoy that can create some extreme characters. We know that these can be exciting to others, they are certainly exciting to ourselves, but ideas need to be presented correctly, and allowed to sink in. So when sitting down and sending a message to someone we don't know, for the first time is "you will call me sir" really the best opener, whatever happened to "hello"?
We want to come across as sexy and interesting, we want to grab attention and hold it. But we also want something else - to have our desires fulfilled. Composing personal ads, private messages or any other form of written communication cuts us loose from the support we get (without perhaps realising) meeting face-to-face. Eye contact, facial expression, body language. All of these can serve to reassure the other person that we are safe, sane, consensual and genuine. Yet some people can feel "safer" expressing their desires online, hidden behind a screen. Perhaps they are shy, or embarrassed, perhaps their persona is one which they feel uncomfortable expressing, so they can only do it at range, incognito. And precisely because of this veil of anonymity, people are able to say and do things that they might never do otherwise, freed from the constraints of social behavioural codes, freed also from even seeing the face of their intended - they can imagine any response that they like, a response whereby "call me sir" incites paroxysms of delight, rather than a reflex action to click "delete".
I have a number of theories on why people do this, actually, I'm afraid I'm going to have to put my sexist hat on and alter that to read "why men do this" because I have yet to have a woman demand I call her mistress within three seconds of internet time. My thoughts vary depending on how charitable I'm feeling. Sometimes I think it is because they have poor social skills and even poorer communication skills so have latched on to cliched patterns of speech and behaviour (which the word of BDSM can be very prone to) because they think that this is what will deliver results. Sometimes I think it is because they want to upset or provoke, and they are getting their kicks by feeling that they are behaving in a subversive or especially "dominant" fashion, regardless of what the recipient actually thinks. Sometimes I even wonder if they are being totally honest - that this is the way they want to be treated, from the outset, and that by talking in this way they feel most "like themselves", most satisfied and happy. And finally, I occasionally wonder if it is a joke, because it is a cliched opener, and sometimes I've responded as if it was a joke, only to find nothing coming back in return. Being a male Dom is a hard line to walk, according to those who tell me about it. They are in the majority, so it would appear (although I am waiting for an actual survey to be done).
The Photographer has been amusing himself with Call Me Sir by pretending to be me via our joint profile. It's probably too much of a temptation, when an anonymous character (blank profile, no text, no image) requests to speak to just the female part of the relationship. As a result, he has been bombarded with messages requiring him to describe just how wet he (pretending to be me) is, what he is wearing and whether he will put himself on a train to go for a meet up without telling his other half.
In conversation, as in so many things in this line of activity, the key is consent and trust. I'm happy to engage with the edgiest and nastiest of power-play as long as I've signed up for it and I trust the person I'm doing it with. That way both parties get more of what they want, unlike the example above, in which neither party is really satisfied, just entertained by fictitious notions.
One of the things that The Photographer and I are working toward is for me to be able to achieve orgasm whilst he is using me. We are both keen for the main way for me to achieve release is via his pleasure, rather than masturbation. When he's using me, a lot of the sensation I experience feels as if I'm riding the waves of his sensations - and that contributes to my submissive state, which in turn makes me more stimulated, more turned on. A virtuous circle, of sorts. So theoretically it should be easy: that in combination with the fantastic sex that we already have should make it simple for me to orgasm through penetration alone.
However, there are a number of mental and physical blockers on vaginal orgasm for me, first and foremost because I have never achieved it before. I'm not sure how to to it. I'm also not sure whether I can or not: the various literature and information I've absorbed that indicate it is something that some women can never do, perhaps I am one of them? Another is that I feel guilty or remiss in having an orgasm when he hasn't, and finally, because I am concentrating on his pleasure, how he is feeling it is sometimes a little difficult to let go in the way that is necessary for orgasm.
Worries aside, it is a fantastic thing to be practising hard at. I love penetrative sex - I love the feeling of him inside me, of the physical connection, the sense of muscles being pushed aside, nerves being pressed and stroked. As a submissive, I enjoy being fucked, pure and simple - in opening up, holding my cunt open for him and being there for him to be used. Over the weekend we tried a number of positions, different depths and angles of thrust. We didn't get there, but we got closer than I ever have before. And I'm looking forward to trying again in a little while.
I spent an evening last weekend topping The Photographer: it was in the morning, I was horny and it seemed the most convenient way to get my kicks. Whilst I consider myself mostly submissive, having to wait on someone else's libido can sometimes be a bit problematic, especially when being demanding could be considered as rude or bratty. I like to be a well behaved submissive. Topping removes this onus from me, and I get to do some taking. It's an urge that crops up once in a while, although it has been rearing its head more and more, which is interesting, and fortunately I have a willing volunteer for ongoing experiments.
Such as the weekend. I hit an interesting blocker whilst in the swing of things. I'd got him between my legs to lick my clit, then after a while decided to use his cock instead, as I moved him away I could feel him tense a little, so I asked him what he was thinking. He responded that he wanted to be punished for not making me come, and this threw me a little. First, because my natural instinct was one of control via withholding, so giving him something that he directly asked for seemed to jar with the space I was inhabiting. Second, I was quite relaxed after the oral attention and getting up to deliver a beating was quite low on my list of things to do. We discussed it afterwards, particularly as I know that pain isn't usually on his agenda, and he mentioned that it was a thing of the moment, and that it was about pain as cathartic punishment, something I can certainly understand.
I clearly find it difficult to inflict physical pain within a heavily sexual context. I'm generally fine at doing pain-play in and of itself, although I have a mental note to practice more with impact, especially with my under-used crop. The act of moving from fucking or similar to delivering pain seems to require two competing parts of my brain and the gear change is clunky, at best. I think another aspect was the difference between our two mindsets at the time, and how I didn't perceive what he was feeling because I still find it hard to read him as a submissive. This is not just about lack of practice, although that must play a part, but also because he is generally very passive - he won't make a move unless instructed to do so, is very quiet, and apart from the obvious desire, the subtleties are lost. Additionally, I am not a mind reader. From my point of view, I made the decision to move him as I wanted to do something else, from his, he felt that he had been unable to deliver.
I'll be very interested to see how this type of play progresses, there's certainly a lot more things I want to try, both in terms of finding my own topping persona, and physical acts I want to explore in more depth - he's been asked to find a strap-on that I can use on him.
Life is a lot more settled now, and I'm finally able to get back into the swing of things. I'd hesitate to say that things are "normal" (heaven forbid!) but certainly both the flesh and the spirit are willing and able once again. Which is nice.
Shuttered Lens came over last week to take some shots for his book, I got to feel very pampered and indulged whilst lazing on a chaise longue twined with black rope, on my knees on the bed coiled in red rope and spending a sunny few minutes balancing a sheet of glass as a luxury-grade coffee table. One of the ties involved having length after length wrapped tighter around my neck, then up across my face to serve as both gag and blindfold. This hit a lot of my buttons, from the exotic captive through to the pleasant dreaminess of mild oxygen deprivation. The neck is a very sensitive area, exposed throat, lots of blood flow, as well as being that strange spot where the brain seems to connect to the body. He pressed his fingers against my neck and face and the world spun, blackening from the edges. When he released I felt a rush of euphoria, with that first breath after a pause, resurfacing but also feeling a little deeper than before, reminded of the pleasure in giving up and letting go, of being done to.
We talked a bit afterwards, about possible future plans. Both The Photographer and I are interested in more play dates, we like the dynamic of being arranged and controlled. Of being put just so, for the amusement of someone else.
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